Response Requested

Yesterday I wrote about how I made the mistake of using a disciplinary system that was inappropriate for my kids and how learning to love my kids first, before expecting any kind of good behavior, really made a positive difference in our family life. Then I explained how God also loves us no matter what.

There's always more to a story than first meets the eye, isn't there? Every fight takes two. Every relationship takes commitment from both partners. Yesterday I wrote my blog on my phone while waiting for one of my sons at an appointment. As I drove home, I decided that I needed to write a part two, the rest of the story.

Adoption: What I've Learned So Far

Tadesse and Biruk have been home for 74 days. Every day we are learning something new: sometimes about their resilience, sometimes about our resilience, sometimes about the capacity of the human spirit to be loved and to love.

1. Grief is real--for everyone. Our first couple of weeks home, we had enough family tears to  last a lifetime. Some days it was my turn because I could not fathom how to meet everyone's needs at the same time. Some days it was Elijah's turn because this place where he had always been so safe suddenly became emotionally unstable and draining. Some days it would be Tadesse's turn because these strange people have strange rules and strange foods. And some days it was a rough day for us all.

Pushing Buttons

One of the struggles we've had since coming home with Tadesse and Biruk is their endless fascination with buttons. We brought an iPad (which we have been continuously thankful for) that they played with on the plane and in the guest house. Their fascination with all things electronic has made us laugh on a number of occasions, including in the O'Hare airport when Tadesse was trying to manipulate the graphics by touching the screen of a huge TV. It has also panicked us, like when he pushed the fire alarm, which someone had the foresight to cover with a clear plastic lid.

Moving on Past

Yesterday in my blog I spelled "Esther" as "Ester" and wrote "one one" instead of "on one."

Now, if there's any hang up of mine that you've noticed I have from reading my blogs, you certainly know this: I. Hate. Making. Mistakes. For the fun of it, I went back and checked previous blogs. Six—yes, six—have been labeled with a topic of mistakes or perfectionism. I've listed them below just so you'll believe me. If you read more than one, you'll say to yourself, "Yep, that Tami has an issue!"

Setting Me Right
On Pride
Bucket List Lesson Number One
The Cover-up
Just Fix It
Mistakes

I've  been trying to get over that ism because fear of mistakes and perfectionist tendencies can paralyze a person into inaction. (I speak from experience.)

Perfectionism tells us we'll never be quite good enough. God tells us He loves us where we're at.

Perfectionism tells us to quit trying. God tells us to keep going, and He'll catch us when we stumble.

Perfectionism tells us people are judging us by our faults. God tells us He is the only judge.

Perfectionism tells us that failure is the end. God uses failure to draw us closer.

God can work in us and through us in our imperfect state. He used Moses who killed someone, David who committed adultery and had his lover's husband killed, and He uses people like you and me, too, because while we are screw-ups in so many ways, He is perfect. He covers our weaknesses and magnifies our strengths in order to bring glory and honor to His name.

So what do we do? Sit back and relax, realizing that we'll never be perfect, so why improve? No, we just have to point ourselves in the right direction. We allow God to work through us and on our behalf, but never losing sight of who it is we are trying to please.

That little voice inside you that tells you that you're behind or not good enough, the one that has you trying to please the people who aren't even nice? Start talking back. It's time for it to move out and for God to move in.

Setting Me Right

Sometimes when I can't sleep in the middle of the night, I play Solitaire on my iPad, and this morning  I discovered this setting:

What? After all the losing games I've had over the past years, I could have simply slid this lever over and assigned myself all winning games? On one hand, that would have relieved a lot of frustration for me. Instead of getting to that place where it seems I have nothing left to try, I could hit Undo or Start this game over and be guaranteed a win.

While we're at it, I'd really just like to have one of these handy little levers for my life. This is where my all winning situations lever would be rather handy:


1. Arguments with my husband. I promise we don't argue that much, but when we do, I'm a little put off by those moments when this thought crosses my mind: maybe I'm a little crabby. Even worse is when he says something that is logical to my emotional or when he doesn't argue back and I'm itching for a challenge. My all winning situations lever would help him to argue enough but not well. I would always be right.

2. When someone needs my help but I don't want to. My lever will let me have a busy calendar or an apt excuse on the tip of my tongue. Handy.

3. Self-control. I will no longer struggle with overeating or lack of motivation for exercise.

4. Those tough times when it's my job to correct someone and he really doesn't want to hear it. Whether in my role as a teacher, parent, or editor, I've always (okay—usually) tried to be tactful and kind, but with this lever, I can be blunt and pointed (funny how those words mean the same thing, right?) without worrying about feelings. That would save so much time and effort.

Really, though, sometimes I do long for a life like this, for every situation to be winnable, to have the skill, finesse, and persistence to pull off every challenge. Still, it seems there's something rather prideful in my quest to be right, to win every. single. time.

I have a God who knows what I need and when I need it, and it isn't always through winning. In fact, my sometimes losing personal setting means that I must admit I'm irritable and impatient and imperfect. It exposes my selfish motivations.

God really isn't up in heaven looking down on me and flipping a win/lose switch. He isn't saying, "She's lost three times in a row. Think I'll give her a win before she quits."

Through the Holy Spirit, God is here with me—and you if you've invited Him in. Instead of giving us situations we can always win, he has us set on Always Improvable. He sees us as we can be, not as our current selves, and that should give us a measure of His peace. It's our role, then, to accept correction and redirection and understand that if God is doing the remodeling of our hearts, then we will all win...through grace alone.

Sleepwalking

This is what I woke up to this morning. A Mario Kart top bed sheet, crumpled and thrown down the stairs. I stared at it a moment, thinking, What in the world? before laughing at the thought of Elijah in his late-night sleepwalking, feeling the urge to hurl this unruly, untucked bed sheet downward into our living room.

We had awakened to light rap, rap, rapping (Sorry--English teacher inside joke) on our chamber/bedroom door to find Elijah sitting outside, mumbling gibberish. This has become a frequent spectacle at our home. (Kaylee has caught him on video, but I'm not quite mean enough to post that on my blog.)

His sleepwalking fog reminds me of what I consider one of the most confusing passages of the New Testament, Romans 7: 14-20:

On Pride

I have a problem with pride. I care too much about how I appear to others, and nothing is ever quite good enough for me.

As I've blogged about many times before, perfectionism is something I struggle against often. From my career path as an English teacher and editor to my calling to be a mom, I have focused on the ideal. I strive to be organized, to have a neat house, to volunteer, and to develop and maintain good habits.

While I don't really consider myself a competitive person with others, I am always, always in competition with myself. Am I better than I was yesterday? Am I stronger, bolder, smarter, more compassionate? And while the appearance of this inner competition makes me appear motivated, the truth is that I sometimes struggle to accept myself the way I am today and love myself the way Jesus loves me.

Bucket List Lesson Number One

I've shared my bucket list with you, and you know I'm taking piano lessons. As goofy as it seems for a 40-something woman to be taking piano lessons, let me tell you that I really enjoy it—so much so that I almost called my piano teacher yesterday and asked her for an extra one because I've practiced so much this week. Yes, goofy. I warned you.

The Cover-up

We're fixing things up a bit at my house. Jerome and I decided our teenage daughter needs the room with two closets, not our son who is at college. While we're in the process of moving them, we figured we may as well add some fresh paint.

I hired a couple of painters, but before they could paint, I had to do the prep work. In one room, I took off the wallpaper border, and in the process of getting the stubborn stuff off the wall, some of the paint came down with it, leaving a nasty, uneven mess. I decided to patch it up myself using spackling paste.

Let me stop here. Have I told you that I'm not very handy? I take a little pride in not requiring my husband to do everything. After all, I can read directions as well as the next person. So I patched. I ran a wet washcloth over my work when I was done and thought that I had made it fairly even.

Just Fix It

My role at work is to fix mistakes. From removing the extra space that people sometimes put between sentences to fact checking to revising wording, my job is to make sure that copy is as accurate as possible before it leaves my desk. Of course, I'm more successful at some times than others, but that was the focus of previous blog.

Now, I happen to work with an exceptional group of people. Their creativity simply stuns me. I sometimes envy those talents, but I don't know that I could ever perform like they do, with creativity on demand.

Occasionally I wish that my editing job could be a little more glamorous. I feel a little like Walter Mitty, daydreaming about the ways my role could feel a little more heroic. Perhaps I could have a plane fly over with a sign that says, "1,000th Fix!" Okay, I am being facetious.

I'll admit that once in a while, the error-fixing and wording improvements get tedious. Sometimes I really want to roll my eyes and say, "Really? Again?"¹ At those times, God allows me to run something with a mistake so I have to acknowledge that I'm not perfect either. (Thanks, God — I think.)

Tonight these all-too-human feelings of self-pity have led me to remember another fixer. This particular fixer  accepted the weight of the world's sin as He staggered under the weight of the cross on the road to Golgotha. This fixer allowed Himself to be persecuted and in the midst of it all cried out, "Father, forgive them for they do not know what they are doing" (Luke 23:34a).

This fixer offers forgiveness of sins to all who call upon His name.

Jesus Christ makes me realize just how insignificant of a fixer I am. Though I am sometimes tempted to point out errors (okay, not just point them out—but point them out with attitude), that's when God nudges me and reminds me that I need to work on fruits of the Spirit, including self-control.

Thanks be to God that He's not just forgiving...but persistently so.
 



¹Disclaimer: Yes, I did already admit in a previous blog that I'm impatient at times. Still working on it.

Mistakes

Their. My first act as blogger: a mistake.

It's 1:47 a.m. as I type this entry. When I woke up about 30 minutes ago, the first thought on my mind—what I feel literally woke me up—was that annoying lowercase letter that I left in a headline at work. The headline? "Meet your Team." It was held up in a flash as an example of good work. Instead of being proud, I cringed as I read that headline. For the hours I spent on that project, all it took was one glance, and in my mind, that project is ruined. I had made a mistake.

A little while ago, I was relieved as I noticed my husband get out of bed to make a bathroom trip. If he's awake, I'll be able to have a short conversation that will make me feel better. "Just go to sleep and quit thinking" was his answer. As he quickly relaxed into slumber again, I'll admit I felt a wee bit of jealousy. If only it were that easy.

Sometimes clarity of thought comes to me in the middle of the night:


Ephesians 2:4-10 says,
But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions--it is by grace you have been saved. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's worksmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

Some people see perfectionism as a positive trait. I do not. Perfectionism is egotistical. It says, "I'm not quite worthy, but I can get there." Perfectionism draws attention away from God's grace and attempts to place it on our own accomplishments or lack thereof.

I really doubt that God sees a lowercase "y" as a sin. I could be wrong, but I think He is probably more concerned with my sleepless nights when I forget that He is Lord over all, that His grace is sufficient, and that I am His workmanship.

My feather pillow is calling me. For tonight, I'm done thinking about me.