What I Know

We are in the midst of a difficult week. Behaviors seem illogical and we are often left scratching our heads, trying to make sense of things far beyond our understanding.

I may not know a lot, but here's what I do know:

1. I cannot control someone else's attitude, but I can control my own.

"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you" (Philippians 4: 8-9).

2. I do not need to own someone else's problems, but I can help when he is ready.

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up" (Galatians 6: 9).

3. Prayer is effective.

"Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know"(Jeremiah 33: 3).

4. Worry is not.

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid" (John 14: 27).

5. God is in control.

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you" (Deuteronomy 31: 6).

6. God's timing is perfect.

"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end" (Ecclesiastes 3: 11).

7. I can't expect to know all the answers, but I can rest in knowing that God does. 

"Great is our Lord and mighty in power; His understanding has no limit" (Psalm 147: 5).

8. I must strive to be patient.

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer" (Romans 12: 12).

9. My love may not be perfect, but I need to love anyway.

"Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins" (1 Peter 4: 8).

10.  I can find blessings in the little things.

"Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus" (1 Thessalonians 5: 18).

11. I am loved.

"This is how God showed his love among us: He sent His one and only Son into the world that we might live through Him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and His love is made complete in us" (1 John 4: 9-12).

Simple Progress

Well, friends, I think this is the best weekend we've had so far.

Biruk, Tadesse, and Jerome playing Sorry.
By the way, my husband is a pretty awesome dad.

I finally feel like Jerome and I are starting to figure our boys out. A few illustrations: Tadesse and Biruk are competitive—HIGHLY competitive. When I really need them to hurry, I make it a contest of first (champion, "wiener"), second, and third places. That kicks Biruk up a few notches since he is a natural lollygagger. Elijah, who knows exactly what effect I'm looking for, continues to get ready at his pace and just says, "Slow and steady wins the race." This morning Elijah got third place.

Protect Me

Following a difficult year of my life when I lost both my dad and my brother, I had an awakening of sorts. On one particular evening, grief was pressing in on me from all sides, and something I didn't even know I was feeling came rolling out of my mouth in a conversation with Jerome.

"Jerome, all my life—since I was a little girl—I knew I had two people to protect me. My dad and brother. And now I don't."

There was a moment of silence before Jerome quietly said, "But Tami, don't you realize that's my job now? I am here."

Jerome and I had been married almost 20 years, yet I had continued placing that responsibility on my dad and brother instead of on my husband.

Now, I've always considered myself an independent person. I became a teacher not only because I felt called to it but because I wanted to be able to stand on my own two feet and to have the ability to be the main breadwinner of the family should something happen to my husband. One of my biggest goals was not to be wealthy but to make enough money that we could survive, and I said to Jerome on a couple different occasions, "I really don't want to be some high-maintenance wife." I wanted to contribute in my own way.

Yet here I was seeking security and protection from all the unknowns: physical protection from creeps, yes, but even more importantly, emotional protection from people who just aren't very nice.

Perhaps I wasn't (and am not) as independent as I thought I was.

This month I'm completing the Old Testament for the first time. I've read bits and pieces in church and in study over the years, but this is the first time that I've committed to reading my Bible cover to cover.

I used to think of the Old Testament as dull lists of lineage and archaic laws. I didn't really think it mattered so much because I am a New Testament Christian who believes that Jesus came and that His grace and love replaces so much from the Old Testament. I'm learning, though, how rich and powerful and necessary that Old Testament is to our understanding of that grace.

You see, I don't think it's just women who want and need to be protected. God reminds all of us throughout the Old Testament that it is His job and desire to protect us:

"The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing." - Zephaniah 3: 17

"'Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,' says The Lord, who has compassion on you." - Isaiah 54: 10

"When I said, 'My foot is slipping,' your love, O Lord, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul." - Psalm 94: 18-19

And those not-so-nice people who sometimes cross our paths? God isn't too happy with them, but His judgement comes later. While there is nothing wrong with protecting ourselves, we are to be forgiving and gracious, praying that they come to know Jesus Christ the way we do, as our redeemer, the greatest protector of all.


By the way, no husbands were hurt in the writing of this blog.

Setting Me Right

Sometimes when I can't sleep in the middle of the night, I play Solitaire on my iPad, and this morning  I discovered this setting:

What? After all the losing games I've had over the past years, I could have simply slid this lever over and assigned myself all winning games? On one hand, that would have relieved a lot of frustration for me. Instead of getting to that place where it seems I have nothing left to try, I could hit Undo or Start this game over and be guaranteed a win.

While we're at it, I'd really just like to have one of these handy little levers for my life. This is where my all winning situations lever would be rather handy:


1. Arguments with my husband. I promise we don't argue that much, but when we do, I'm a little put off by those moments when this thought crosses my mind: maybe I'm a little crabby. Even worse is when he says something that is logical to my emotional or when he doesn't argue back and I'm itching for a challenge. My all winning situations lever would help him to argue enough but not well. I would always be right.

2. When someone needs my help but I don't want to. My lever will let me have a busy calendar or an apt excuse on the tip of my tongue. Handy.

3. Self-control. I will no longer struggle with overeating or lack of motivation for exercise.

4. Those tough times when it's my job to correct someone and he really doesn't want to hear it. Whether in my role as a teacher, parent, or editor, I've always (okay—usually) tried to be tactful and kind, but with this lever, I can be blunt and pointed (funny how those words mean the same thing, right?) without worrying about feelings. That would save so much time and effort.

Really, though, sometimes I do long for a life like this, for every situation to be winnable, to have the skill, finesse, and persistence to pull off every challenge. Still, it seems there's something rather prideful in my quest to be right, to win every. single. time.

I have a God who knows what I need and when I need it, and it isn't always through winning. In fact, my sometimes losing personal setting means that I must admit I'm irritable and impatient and imperfect. It exposes my selfish motivations.

God really isn't up in heaven looking down on me and flipping a win/lose switch. He isn't saying, "She's lost three times in a row. Think I'll give her a win before she quits."

Through the Holy Spirit, God is here with me—and you if you've invited Him in. Instead of giving us situations we can always win, he has us set on Always Improvable. He sees us as we can be, not as our current selves, and that should give us a measure of His peace. It's our role, then, to accept correction and redirection and understand that if God is doing the remodeling of our hearts, then we will all win...through grace alone.

Sleepwalking

This is what I woke up to this morning. A Mario Kart top bed sheet, crumpled and thrown down the stairs. I stared at it a moment, thinking, What in the world? before laughing at the thought of Elijah in his late-night sleepwalking, feeling the urge to hurl this unruly, untucked bed sheet downward into our living room.

We had awakened to light rap, rap, rapping (Sorry--English teacher inside joke) on our chamber/bedroom door to find Elijah sitting outside, mumbling gibberish. This has become a frequent spectacle at our home. (Kaylee has caught him on video, but I'm not quite mean enough to post that on my blog.)

His sleepwalking fog reminds me of what I consider one of the most confusing passages of the New Testament, Romans 7: 14-20:

Meet My New Friends

I have always had a label for people who habitually do tasks the same way or at the same time every day or every week. I would call them rigid. Controlling. Boring. Now because of my very judgmental assessment of these people, you could call me spontaneous, stubborn, and unstructured. You could say that I'm a person of poor habits. All of those would be correct.

I've been trying to become a little less so.

Readers, meet my new friends Coffee and Weights. New friends, meet my readers.

Some of you may have seen me lamenting on social media about my new friends. They are tiresome and bitter, but I still long to be close to them.

A Hope and a Future

Call it a mid-life crisis. Call it anything you want to.

The last couple of months, something has affected me. Is it my new almost-daily commitment to reading my Bible? Is it my recent weight loss? Is it my excitement for the future: first, a cruise with my sweetheart, and next, some trips to Ethiopia to adopt one or more children?

And on a Personal Note. . .

My desire to blog started when I noticed over and over how many of my young teenage friends (mostly those I met through TEC weekends) were posting Bible verses, praise to God, and prayer requests. Though I knew from talking with them how many of them had strong relationships with God, it was (and is) inspirational to me to read Facebook status updates about their spiritual walks.

That's when I realized that I have not been the transparent Christian that I need to be.

In Control

Today I joked with a friend that I should have named my blog "Woulda, Shoulda, Coulda" because I felt that my first four blog posts had taken on more negativity and sadness than what I wanted. I would love to tell you that I just don't do negative, but I do have my days!

One of my infamous roles in our house is the clutter Nazi. No, my kids didn't give me that name, and I'll thank you not to mention it to them. Anyway, very few things irk me so me much as when I've been at work and come home to a recently demolished living room, a sink full of crusty dishes, or a laundry room floor covered in dirty laundry.

I've been known to walk in the door, and the first words that come out of my mouth are, "Who left these shoes here? Whose glass is that sitting on the table? Do you guys think I'm just here to pick up after you?" No "hello." No "I love you." Instead, the first words that spill from my mouth are condemnation for what hasn't been done.

Have I told you that patience isn't really one of my virtues? It's not that I'm a neat freak; I'm a little messy myself. What I am is a responsibility freak. When my temper rises, my kids don't jump their feet to fix everything. (Keep in mind: this happens too often.) When I'm quick to anger, they just think I'm mean.

No matter how much I try to hand everything over to God, I have to admit that I need to accept that I have full control of my attitude. My attitude is a choice that I make every day—every minute—and regardless of my current circumstances, the moods of those around me, or even the cleanliness of my house, I need to keep it in check.

I'm convinced that my kids will forget that I'm a reluctant cook, and I'm pretty sure that they won't care that my garden is overrun with weeds. The memories my children and other people around me will keep are the feelings that I left with them: whether, on a daily basis, I made them feel valued or worthless.

Today seems like a good day to start.