Back when we first brought Tadesse and Biruk home, we struggled so much to communicate. Behaviors that were acceptable in Ethiopia were not acceptable here, and without the language to explain it, we struggled. There were the big things like hitting and kicking, yes, but also a myriad of smaller behaviors like sitting on a stranger's car or grabbing a toy a sibling was playing with.
We made a mistake—one of many, in fact—in those early days of our time together. Knowing that elementary teachers use a card system of green, yellow, and red to indicate when a child was doing great (green), when one was starting to show patterns of misbehavior or sometimes pushing our buttons both figuratively and literally (yellow), as well as when the child had really messed up (red), we decided to try it. Once a person's red card was up, he or she lost allowance for the week. Even without the benefit of a common language, my two new boys understood very quickly how the cards worked.
I thought the system was starting to be effective until one of my sons started turning his own card to red even without the wrong behavior. Later, in broken English and with tears of anguish, he would explain and even pantomime the list of sins he had committed in Ethiopia. Some of the list were childish acts. Some were decisions that we in our Western society would consider obviously wrong, but with further understanding of poverty and hunger, I knew were necessary for my boys' survival.
That's when the poster and the cards were taken down and put into storage.
That's when we entered some family counseling to help heal feelings of guilt.
That's when, during one son's temper tantrums, I lost my need to be right and to teach and realized that I just needed to love him.
That's when I would wrap my arms around my son and whisper, sometimes through shouting and sobbing and writhing, "I love you no matter what. I love you no matter what. I love you no matter what."
Since then, we look back on the last 12 months often, saying "Remember when..." and we laugh together. We look not just at our kids' physical growth but at our emotional and spiritual growth and are amazed at what difference a year and an awesome God can make.
I look at one son who had a more difficult time, and I realize that the lost, sullen child is gone. He has been replaced by a radiant, joyful boy whom I can thank God for every day.
This weekend we are going to burn the behavior poster. We won't be needing it anymore.
When it comes to your relationship with God, do you think of Him as a God who is continually flipping your cards, or do you flip your own cards, knowing you are unworthy and unrighteous and weak? Today I hope you remember that God isn't that way, that He is the one holding you and rocking you, whispering in your ear, "I love you no matter what."
"For God so loved the world that He sent His only begotten son, that whosoever believes in Him will not perish but have everlasting life" (John 3:16).
