We've learned some things along the way. When I first thought about writing them down, I wondered who would possibly want to read them; after all, 23 years is not that long...and yet it is. So at the risk of sounding like we have it all together (we don't), I thought I'd enroll Jerome's help and give you seven things we've each learned about marriage. If you've been married awhile, you don't need this list, but if you're just starting out, maybe you can learn from our mistakes.
My List
1. Quit relying on your partner to make you happy all the time. A friend gave me this advice 10 years ago, and it changed my outlook. I realized that I was in control of my attitude. That changed me—and our marriage.
2. Time matters more than you think it does. Money matters less. They say people argue most about money, but for the two of us, this just isn't true. We've struggled much more with how to spend our free time and whom to spend it with.3. Don't try to change your spouse, but don't think he's a lost cause, either. When I quit trying to fix what I thought was wrong with Jerome, I loved him for who he was, and he transformed before my eyes. I don't know if he really changed or just my expectations did, and it doesn't even matter.
4. Be loyal. Don't trash your husband to your friends. Yes, your attitude toward your husband does matter, and it also matters how your friends perceive him. Compliment him even when he is not there. I've noticed that those who are kind to their spouses—even in their absence—are the ones who stay married.
5. Listen to your husband's jokes. My husband has the quirky habit of reading joke books at bedtime and after I've fallen asleep. I wake up to rolling laughter, and when I want to clobber him, I just agree to listen to the joke instead.
6. Recognize when you are arguing over nothing. Jerome and I both like to be right, but being right is overrated. Shrug your shoulders and move on.
7. Don't volunteer your spouse for jobs. Ever. It's controlling.
Jerome's List
1. If someone offends my wife, it offends me too. This means I need to defend her if someone has hurt her.
2. Have grace with each other and with others who don't understand your priorities as a couple.
3. You need to have distinct lines between your extended family and your individual family. Make your individual family priority and fit the others in as possible after that.
4. Gang up on your children. Get your parenting discussions done and be united in how you approach discipline.
5. Recognize that you each have your own gifts. (Blog writing is not one of mine.) Don't expect your spouse to excel in your area.
6. Your personal interests will change over time. Accept that. Learn new things, but also try to learn new things together.
7. Sometimes you need to do things you don't enjoy because it matters to your spouse. For example, I went on a cruise with my wife (Can you say seasick?), and she went on an airboat ride with me. It's worth it if it makes your spouse happy.
Well, there you have it. That's all we have. You can expect more after another 23 years.
