I have never had too much trouble with self-expression or for letting others into the often personal details of my life. Especially with writing, I tend to tell all (well, almost) and hope that by being real, others can feel comfortable being real with me as well.
The only way to truly know me is by understanding the moments of my life that changed me. Now, I would love to tell you that those moments are always when you find me at my best. That would not be true. Often I find myself being the most in tune with God when I am at my lowest. When I'm moving along, confident with every step I'm taking, I sometimes forget to acknowledge Him. On December 13, 2007, I began a new journey, one that enabled me to look at God's presence in my life.
At about 11 a.m. on a school day, my husband, my pastor, and my boss sat me down to tell me that my brother had taken his own life. My brother had been struggling with personal problems, though I had mostly told myself that this rough time he was going through would be solved the same way his troubles were always solved: in his own time and in his own way.
My defining moment isn't about suicide, and although I miss Dean every day, it isn't really even about my brother. I can tell you that the next year was a blur for me with entire days spent in tears. One of the things that I most remember most, though, is that God spoke to me.
I had lots of experience with God's still, small voice. Not satisfied with that, I always asked God for a burning bush or a lightning bolt: any clear, constant direction for all parts of my life but felt frustrated when I didn’t see those signs.
In the darkness of those nights following Dean’s death, after my husband and children were long asleep, I would cry and count all the ways that I had failed, and I would talk to my brother, asking him how he could do this to me. Somewhere in the early morning hours, I would finally succumb to sleep.
The loud music woke me up. Not one night—not two nights—but many nights.
When I'd open my eyes, the music would melt away, back into the silence of a sleeping house, but the beautiful words and accompaniment to "Praise You in This Storm" and "It Is Well with My Soul" gave me immeasurable solace and eventually, peace.
My friends, students, and family were the hands and feet of Christ, comforting me during my daylight hours, but God Himself was present for me when I needed Him most.
Before you're on your way, please take a moment to listen to the songs and hear God sweetly speaking to you as well.
