I was wrong...about everything.
You'll probably be hearing that from me often–—daily—–as we go through this adoption process.
As we go through the various workshops, literature, and videos that are required of adoptive parents, it sometimes feels that every reason for adopting is the wrong reason. Your children are growing up and you have room for more? Don't look for a child to fill your needs. You want to help others? Don't think of yourself as some savior. You have infertility issues? Don't look for a child to fill the grief of not having your own biological children. There appears to be no right reason for adoption.
The truth is, I have been wearing my rose-colored glasses. I have secretly thought that love will be enough and that we must be okay because we have three well-adjusted biological children.
We are learning that we know nothing, that our suppositions for entering this adoption journey were naive, that adoption is a life-long process, and that we really have no idea how difficult it will be for us. And that's just us. Our journey will be a cakewalk compared to the journey of our adopted child.
Then there's the issue of pride. The you're-so-wonderful-for-following-God's-calling sentiments made me feel inflated at first, like I was some hero who would be saving an orphan from some wretched existence. Now those comments make me feel like a faker, like I'm some actor in a screenplay and that people don't know the real me. You see, when we take home a precious little boy or girl who is grieving the loss of everything, I don't think I'll be feeling inflated. I think I'll be feeling like a rotten, no-good opportunist.
Yet I feel adoption is God's calling. When people ask why we are adopting, I cannot tell you that I've felt some hole in our family, like we were missing a person. In fact, I can tell you that these past years, I've felt the most complete and content as I ever have. I can't tell you that we had fertility issues. We didn't. We chose to have three biological children, and then we decided that was enough. We chose adoption because we wanted to follow God's mandate to love others. This doesn't make our calling any more glorious than yours. This doesn't make us better. We're just walking the same road as you are, discovering what it means us to follow God's gentle nudging. And know what? We're going to get an awful lot out of this. As my friend put it, adoption really is selfish at its root.
I'm hoping to begin getting things right, to act out of purity of purpose, not out of self-importance. My blogs will be less an attempt at inspiration and more of an attempt to show you what this life of mine is like, warts and all. Hopefully knowing my ugly side will still help you along the way.
