As I read through the Bible, I frequently come across a story or a quote that reminds me how I should respond to situations in my life. Many times as I put my Bible down and stand up, getting ready to start my day, I feel convicted to a particular action or to a more positive attitude.
Once in a while, though, it works the other way, and my daily life helps me to understand the Bible.
Adopted kids and biological kids are different. Raising them is different. Praying for them is different. If you are considering adoption and think that you are going to come home from the airport, have a little party, and resume life as normal, you are simply mistaken.
As much as I get frustrated with behaviors and attitudes, I have to remember to love first because without love and grace, nothing will change for my son.
When we adopted our boys, we did so knowing that they came from a tough place. We won't go into specifics (and don't even know that many), but life in rural Ethiopia is wearisome. Everyone must work to provide for the family. No one seems to have enough food. So we adopted these boys knowing they would have some issues with trust and attachment, fear and control. We decided that we would love them first, then work on the rough places together.
Today I was told that we are a "bad family" and that my son wanted to return to Ethiopia. (Insert long pause and sigh on my part.) This is all expected behavior, and though I can pretend it doesn't hurt when I am in front of him, a lump forms in my throat as soon as I walk away. I wish I could say, "Don't you understand how much I love you? How much I have prayed for you? How hard this is on all of us?" And in my more selfish moments—"How much I have done for you?" Yet this boy cannot feel my love because he is swimming in a sea of hurt and rejection. He feels lost, abandoned, and alone in his feelings.On top of that, he has no words with which to explain his pain. Do I wade out into those murky waters and pull him in to safety, understanding that it may pull me under as well? Do I stand where it's safe and just keep throwing out the lifelines, hoping one of these days he will grab on?
And then I remember God and His love for us: "But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us" (Romans 5:8). That means he died for adulterers, gossips, overeaters, liars, alcoholics, drug addicts, thieves. He died for you and for me. He died for my son. To comprehend that love, I make comparisons in my own life and find that the closest thing is the love that I have for my son, although my version of agape love is so inferior to His.
When Tadesse asked if he could be in football this summer and I said yes, he looked at me with a far-off look in his eyes and said, "And Mom--you look? You say, 'Yay, yay'?" Of course, I answered, because that's what moms do. They celebrate every personal victory. Moms root for their kids no matter what. My kids don't always hear Jerome's and my conversations about them. We talk about improvements in language, the smiles and hugs we receive, progress and success in school, the way they are growing into their sibling roles. And when they struggle, we struggle. Although I can acknowledge that his inner turmoil is his to own and overcome, I still hurt when he hurts.
It's impossible for me to truly understand God's role as our Father—that our struggles are His struggles, that as we cry out in prayer, He is vigilant. He counts our tears. When we emerge, victorious from life's difficulties, He is that cheering parent on the football sideline. He is the one saying, "I knew you could do it!"
My kids aren't perfect. I'm not perfect. I guess if we were, God would have no reason to sacrifice His Son for us. We have so far to go, but it comforts me so much to know that my Father is cheering at every eked-out moment of patience, every gift of grace, every time we choose love over anger. I rest in His promise:
In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose (Romans 8:26-28).
