Note: This post is a work in progress. I'm posting it now because I want input from other adoptive parents and because I know it will never be complete.
Since I've begun this adoption process, I've learned a lot about people's misconceptions. At first when reading the blogs of adoptive parents, I thought they were overly sensitive. Now I'm just beginning to understand. I just keep trying to remind myself that people are not trying to be offensive, that they just are a little naive about the process.
So voila—this post describing the right and not-so-right things to say to adoptive parents. This post is for those of you who may find the subject of adoption awkward.
Do not say, "Is he an orphan?"
This child was obviously in an orphanage or he wouldn't be adoptable. While you may be curious about his backstory and whether his parents are still living or whether he was abandoned at birth, as his parents, we are naturally protective of him and don't want anything we divulge to come back to him later. His life is his story to tell. There are things we know that we aren't telling (and you'll have to get over it).
Do not say, "He sure is lucky to be here!"
My child has been through more tragedy than you can imagine. He has lost his family, his friends, his culture, his language, and his everyday comforts like recognizable food. What you can say instead: "You sure are lucky to have him!"
Do not say, "I know some black people!"
If I gave birth to a child with blond hair, you would not say, "I know some other kids with blond hair!"
Do not say, "This is my friend Tami and her five children. These two were adopted from Ethiopia!"
Why? Because their whole identity should not be in adoption. Say instead: "This is my friend Tami and her five children. Aren't they adorable/well-behaved/smart?" (Okay, I couldn't help but add that last part.)
Do not say, "Does he have any diseases?" or the equally nosy "Does he have any learning disabilities?"
Just like with biological kids, we'll deal with anything that comes along because that's what love does. We'll share with you what we are comfortable sharing with you. No need to ask.
What you are always welcome to say:
"Want to go out for an ice cream cone?"
"Can your kids come over to play sometime?"
"How can I help?"
"Tell me more about adoption!"
"What is Ethiopia like?"
"I love seeing your pictures!"
And a few more notes:
Do not worry about education. That is between us and our school. It will all work out. Trust me.
Do not worry about language. It will come along naturally.