I've been writing a lot about choices lately, choices to be thankful, choices to look at the truth instead of what we really want to hear. Today, though, I want to discuss one more, and that is the choice of forgiveness.
I know every one of my readers struggles with forgiveness, whether it's forgiving someone who has hurt you, someone who won't forgive you for a mistake, or perhaps even forgiving yourself.
And so I want to tell you my story. It's not a story that defines me because I've found that we create our own definitions of self, that choices made by others cannot define us unless we go through life seeing ourselves as victims. This is not a story that I'm willing to give any more power over my life.
As most of you know, my brother killed himself almost six years ago. He was depressed and on epilepsy drugs which were later found to make people prone to suicidal thoughts. So Dean succumbed to his inner voice which told him just to end it.
I have never known pure fury like I felt at that time.
Those of you who know me recognize that I do not have a habit of cussing, but following the news of my brother's suicide, I walked out of work swearing a blue streak. I shocked my husband and kids. I. Was. Pissed. Off. And the first person I directed my wrath at was my brother.
How dare he intentionally hurt us so badly? How dare he hurt himself?
Dealing with a loved one's death is intimidating even to the most well-adjusted, but dealing with the suicide of my brother and friend brought me to my knees. Beyond sleeplessness, the physical response to this overwhelming grief was a boil on my face and my hair falling out. It was not pretty. I wanted to blame someone, but the someone I wanted to blame had escaped and left me to deal with the aftermath.
This is the reason I share my story. I do not want pity because I am a healed person, and I don't need it. I am sharing it with you because I know forgiveness is possible even for the offender who does not say he's sorry, even for the person who chose to rip someone I love out of this world.
Forgiveness was not an all-at-once choice. No magic wand waved over me and made my outlook rosy following those tear-streaked months. Because overall forgiveness was too much for me to handle, I made the decision each day when I woke up: Just for today, I'm going to forgive you, brother, but I'm reserving my right to be angry tomorrow. Little by little and day by day, that release became permanent, a breathing-out of all the angst I had found inside me.
So yes, I know you struggle with forgiveness, but I also know that you have the ability to forgive just for today, and that tomorrow you can wake up and make that decision for yourself once again.
Forgiveness does not always restore the offender, but oh, is it a balm for our souls. Do you have someone to forgive or do you need to forgive yourself? Try it...if even for today.
Peace be with you, my friends.