I have a problem with pride. I care too much about how I appear to others, and nothing is ever quite good enough for me.
As I've blogged about many times before, perfectionism is something I struggle against often. From my career path as an English teacher and editor to my calling to be a mom, I have focused on the ideal. I strive to be organized, to have a neat house, to volunteer, and to develop and maintain good habits.
While I don't really consider myself a competitive person with others, I am always, always in competition with myself. Am I better than I was yesterday? Am I stronger, bolder, smarter, more compassionate? And while the appearance of this inner competition makes me appear motivated, the truth is that I sometimes struggle to accept myself the way I am today and love myself the way Jesus loves me.
I am constantly, forever trying to earn His good grace and the approval of others. Even when I gain that approval from others (more as a gift than something I've earned), I cannot quite gain approval from myself, and I am left focusing on what kind of an impression I've made on others.
It's funny, isn't it, how we can sometimes see our behaviors mirrored in our children? Today is field day for Lawrence Elementary. Instead of being excited to have a spring afternoon outside being active, Elijah was fretting about the shuttle run. "Mom, I'm not sure if I run back and forth or just once, to the next person. I hate field day!" This wasn't just an offhand comment. He was upset. Nervous. I wanted to blow the comment off, telling him to simply ask a classmate. (I mean, really, how important could this be?) That's when I recognized that I was seeing my own behavior coming out in my son. This was important to him not because it was the shuttle run, but because he was afraid of making mistakes and looking foolish in the eyes of others.
So I pulled him on my lap. I said, "Elijah, do you remember what a sin is?" and he said yes. I asked if he remembered the commandment about not making mistakes during the shuttle run. Giggles erupted. "How about cross-outs on your paper? Do you remember the commandment about no cross-outs and no mistakes?" Again, he said no. I reminded him that in God's eyes, being lazy is the sin, not making mistakes if he's giving his best.
In my own life, I sometimes wish I could be little enough to have my mom pull me on her lap and tell me these things. I'm not so sure how to deal with pride, of the fear of looking inept in front of other people. So I've taken on some new things, putting myself in directly in that position of vulnerability. I started taking piano lessons again in October. I played in front of my church and the first time made so many mistakes that I was completely humbled, and following church, my brothers and sisters in Christ thanked me for sharing with them. They didn't even care if I made mistakes! Now a friend and I have decided to sign up for taekwondo (yes, with all the little kids), and while I'm a little scared about looking silly, I feel something new.
I feel liberated. Liberated because making mistakes while trying something new is actually (gasp!) fun. Liberated because I'm beginning to see my life as full of possibilities rather than full of limitations.
I have so much to learn. I need God to humble me when I need humbling. I need to learn patience and how to control my tongue. Mostly, I need to give God the glory that is His no matter whether I fail or whether I succeed. And I need to recognize that He loves me regardless.
Please be encouraged today. Try something new. Let yourself fail if you need to, but be valiant in the effort because it's not only in the outcome that we feel victorious.
